Naivety, loss of innocence and past selves.

For years now I've lived my life by one motto. The energy I put out into the world will come back to me. It's because of this one simple rule that I've kept my sanity for so long. It was my belief that as long as I was as good as I possibly could be, nothing too horrendous could happen to me. It was my defence and the only thing that gave me hope. I remember orientation day at college. One of the worst days of my life. I didn't click with anyone, I didn't laugh once, anxiety had completely overtook my body. I had genuinely never felt such immense loneliness in my life. I felt so empty and so numb. I remember the feeling so vividly. I cried in the Limerick train station bathrooms on my way home. I was so deflated. Then on the toilet paper holder, I saw a sticker saying "Bob's quads loves you" and it made me laugh. That one little thing made me start thinking more positively and allowed me to go into the mindset of "as long as I'm myself and as kind as I can be, I will be ok". And I was. A few days later I went to fresher's fest and I met two of my best friends who I absolutely adore and have been there for me more times than I can count. I then went on to meet so many more truly amazing people in the last two years. This mindset SAVED ME the first few weeks of college.

However, recently I have had doubts in my hypothesis. Awhile ago I went through some stuff and a hard time. I won't go into details, but I started questioning if that mindset was naive. I never thought myself to be a naive person before. But my theory was being pretty strongly challenged. Here I was, going through this really awful thing and my kindness and good energy wasn't coming to save me. Was I stupid to think it would in the first place? It wasn't something unavoidable like death or illness. I wouldn't be so naive as to think that good energy could cause immortality. But this awful thing was still happening. After this, I really went through a phase of "what's the point in being good?". Now, this was an utterly selfish mindset because obviously there is many reasons to be good that don't involve just having the good energy come back to you. However, at the time my head was not in a good place and I was failing to see all these other reasons. Anyways, I think there was something innocent and beautiful in this naivety before all this stuff happened. I think it may have been my spark. While I'm trying to regain my faith in this mindset, I am struggling and with that I wonder if that's it? If my spark is gone and never coming back. If I'm turning into a mistrusting and cynical person. People's spark is what draws others in. It's what makes them interesting, charming and likeable. I don't care to be liked in a romantic way. Don't get it twisted. But I still want to be liked enough to make new friends, to be given respect, to have wholesome interactions with strangers. I fear without the spark I will be lacking in these areas of my life. And what is life without all these things? Pretty unfulfilling and dull.

I have another link to this mindset. Sort of. Maybe not really. They link in my head but I'm not sure how to vocalise the link. Maybe it's not so much the mindset but more so to do with any of the goodness I have left inside me. When I was younger, I was atrocious! I was going through it and basically made it everyone's problem. People I didn't even know. I didn't treat people very well. I hold my hands up to that fact. It's a part of me I heavily resent. It also made me into who I am today and for that I do have a weird sense of gratitude. I do wish I could have got here without all the drama though. Today, that person is a stranger to me. However, when I'm home she tries to come say hello. I think, at home people still have an idea of me as that person in their heads. It prevents them from seeing who I am now. I don't think when I'm home I treat people like shit. But I do think a lot about that angry 13/14 year old girl. I feel like she's back inside me. Buried deep but still there. Maybe it's a purely psycological thing. When I'm in Cork I have no sense of this girl. I am purely current me. I may not currently be the best version of myself, but it's certainly a lot better than who I was. They say everywhere you go you take yourself. Meaning that if you move somewhere in hopes of forgetting who you are or being a completely different person, you will catch up with yourself eventually. Is this true for past selves? Is it only a matter of time before that version of myself catches up with me in Cork? Is it only a matter of time until I don't feel fully myself anywhere? I worry this attachment and shame I have for who I once was will constantly prevent me from being who I want to be. Prevent me from healing and becoming the best version of myself. I hope my past self doesn't catch up with me because she isn't who I am now. She wouldn't be catching up with herself. She would be running to catch up only to find a stranger. But still I have a fear that our past selves follow us everywhere in the end.

LOL sorry for the trauma dump! Love you guys! Sorry for the mini crash out. It is what it is. I think none of this actually makes sense and I've just completely rambled. So sorry.